Midnight Musings: Finding Comfort in Yarn and Self-Compassion

It’s after midnight, and the family is in bed, but I am still up. The house is quiet, and I find myself wandering through my thoughts in the dark. I feel tangled inside—a mix of restlessness and heaviness, but I can’t quite put a name to it. There’s an emptiness, a sort of floating feeling, like I’m suspended between wanting to sleep and being afraid to let my mind settle. I have moments when I feel sad for no obvious reason, and others when I just feel numb. Not knowing how I feel about anything right now made me think about this blog and whether writing could help me unravel these emotions.

Amazingly enough, I have stuck with the same knitting project for days now. I almost started another one today, thinking I was bored with the one I had been working on. I realized the truth was that I wanted to try to hide from PTSD. So I put away the new yarn and picked up the Dottie shawl again. I have reached row 84; my husband was amazed by the continued progress I have made on the Dottie. He mentioned it must be a really quick project. I told him I think it is because I have stuck with only one project since I started this shawl. He was even more amazed by that fact than by how much progress I have made on the shawl.

Knitting shawls has definitely become my new inspiration. I can not stop looking at new patterns and getting excited about new stitches and patterns I have never tried before.

For the last two days, I have been down with food allergies. Yes, I found comfort in food while trying not to feel the effects of PTSD. I ended up eating something I am allergic to, which was not the right choice. So here I am paying for it. Trying to recover my body has forced me to fall asleep a few times a day. My inability to process oxygen has also been an energy sucker. It has been a very long time since I have experienced the horribleness of eating things I am allergic to—I forgot how horrible it is. Looking back, I can see that these setbacks are part of how I learn about myself and what I need.

I remind myself that relapses like this aren't failures, but moments to notice patterns and move forward a little wiser. Besides turning to food, I also try to cope with PTSD by journaling, practicing gentle breathing, and reaching out to a close friend when I am able. Sometimes I put on calming music or just step outside into the fresh air for a few moments. These other methods help sometimes, but I am still learning which ones work best for me. I want to be kinder to myself as I discover healthier ways to manage the tough moments.

After the effects of the allergies started to lift today, my inner child reminded me she was still there. The PTSD started up again. My inner child was definitely still hurt from having her feelings discounted last Friday. I was able to release some sadness, but not all of it yet. It felt really good to finally release some of the pent-up emotions. After that, I was able to start knitting in peace again. My cognitive functioning was clearer and more present. Thank goodness.

Woman knitting in a dark room with warm lighting around her

Thankfully, I have knitting. While I was down with allergies, even knitting was too exhausting to do much, but I still tried to knit. When I have been able to knit, it has taken my mind off all the feelings trapped inside me. But of course, when the emotions came closer to the surface, I put the knitting down and let the emotional release happen. I prayed for it to be stronger so more emotional release could happen, but for some reason, my inner child was scared to let everything go. I wish I knew why. I’m sure I will find out why in therapy.

If you’re dealing with mental or emotional struggles, try to let them out in a healthy way. You could write in a journal, talk with a trusted friend, or take a quiet walk outside to process your feelings. These gentle steps can really help. One thing that sometimes helps me is stepping out onto the porch at night

when my thoughts are racing. I take a moment to practice box breathing—breathing in for four seconds, holding it for four, breathing out for four, and pausing for four more. Even just doing this while listening to the quiet helps calm my nerves and brings me back to myself, at least for a while.

Remember, we all have our struggles. You’re not alone. We’re human, not robots.

I hope that one day you’ll feel safe enough to share some of your own experiences.

In the meantime, what are you working on these days? I’ve been daydreaming about starting a rich teal shawl next, something cozy with a pop of color for the spring. I’d love to hear what kinds of projects—creative or otherwise—you have on your mind lately.